Squash, the Helpful Veggie: A Two Page Report by Amber Blais Wilson

I told Joe that he shouldn't just encourage my rambling because one day he'd come back to a 10 page paper on the merits of squash. He said I should do it because it'd be more painful for me than for him. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Fine, so it ended up being closer to 2 pages. But let's not focus on the quantity and more on the QUALITY. And let's be honest here, basically anything I write will be QUALITY. So, let's begin:

Well squash is a veggie, a sport, AND a drink. Plus, I plan to examine the result of the veggie Squash growing arms and legs like Mr. Potato Head, becoming a pirate roaming the seas in search of treasure.

Squash, the drink, is made from concentrate of squash the plant and not of squash the pirate or the game. It contains coloring that causes hyperactivity in kids. Or it could be the caffeine. But Wikipedia has never lied to me before so I'll take everything it says at face value. The squash is considered delicious by some, tasting close to the pumpkin, but not by me. So I shall never partake in the eating of said veg. Making a drink from Squash the pirate could result in death or worse. The worse being something akin to eating my mom's meatloaf. You don't want to go there.

Squash, the plant, is from Mexico and Central America. There are four different species, all of which are all members of different drug cartels and have been arrested numerous times for shipping weapons over the border. You can eat all parts of a squash, including the leaves, stem, seeds, and gourd. But you have to beware of the ones with mustaches. They're poisonous. (A mustachioed squash killed Abraham Lincoln's mother and relations between Mexico and America have never been the same since.) Squash plants reproduce by creating flowers that are both male and female and rely on bees to pollinate. Doesn't sound as fun as normal fun sex but still. It's cool.

Squash, the sport, is played with rackets in a four walled court with little rubber blue balls. After you're done playing with them the balls aren't as blue anymore. ;) They believe squash was a game stolen from the poor children of France who, in the 1500s, used to bounce balls off walls in alleys. Scoring is as confusing as it is in tennis so we won't even examine that. Let's just say it's fun to hit balls at walls and call this game a success.

Captain Pirateman Squash came into being when there was a tragic accident when three trucks simultaneously ran their respective three way stop signs.

Truck 1: Carrying imported veggies from Old Mexico.

Truck 2: Hazardous waste

12:37 PM Truck 3: Full of the new pirate Mr potato head dolls

(I feel the pictures help. )
The resulting disaster changed the lives of the residents of the Caribbean FOREVER. More to come? Maybe.