Holy What?!

So I just checked google analytics for a completely unrelated reason and found out that people are reading my blog?! Who ARE you people? And what do you want with my outdated (yet still highly entertaining) content!?!

Don't think that just because you people are reading I'm going to start writing again. But maybe if you start commenting. It's highly likely I would start writing if you did that...

BizzaroAmber

Occasionally (read that as VERY OFTEN) I have the strangest dreams. Here is one of my stranger ones from a few nights ago:

I was on gossip girl (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0397442/) and I was dating Nate Archibald and Jenny kept trying to sabotage our relationship. Finally she came up with a plan with Bree Buckley to plant these illegal bird plants in the garden of my mansion.

The plants grew out of the roots of any tree and into living birds that looked slightly like flamingos, and which were rooted to the trees. The "plants" were pink and grew one on top of another so that one flamingo bird was growing out of the back of the one below it. The more I looked at them the more they looked like muppets really, and they could talk. They said stuff like squikity squak!? Because they were attached to the tree, they couldn't walk around and their wings kind of looked like branches. While I examined the plants with fear in my heart, Bree Buckley was narrating and telling me about how the plants were on my property and if anyone found out I'd be in trouble and told me all about the actual plants.

While she talked, there was another squikity squak bird sorta walking around agreeing with her because he was blue and he could talk actual squeaky words and he wasn't attached to the tree.

I am telling you, it was like muppets meet real life upper east side new york.

My List

So, Husband and I made a pact before we got married that we could have 5 celebrities on a "List" that we were allowed to sleep with should the need ever arise. There are no set rules to our List so theoretically, it could change at any moment should the need arise. However, after much thought, I've narrowed down my 5 and shall post them here. Just as a disclaimer, I'd like to say that I realize that celebrities are people too and should never been seen as objects to acquire. On that same note, if any of the listed celebrities ever read this they should know that I am incredibly hot and, for them, easy.

In no particular order:

#1: Adrien Grenier
Born: July 10, 1976
Height: 6' (1.83 m)
Reasoning: He is badass in Entourage, sweet in the Devil Wears Prada, amazing in Drive Me Crazy and is GORGEOUS! How could I even leave him OFF my list?!






#2: Jim Sturgess
Born: May 16, 1978
Height: 6' 0½" (1.84 m)
Reasoning: He sings. That should be enough, but he's the perfect height and perfectly great looking. Top all that off with his dreamy British accent and my pants practically fall off...
Downside: He's got my Dad's name.




#3: James McAvoy
Born: April 21, 1979
Height: 5' 7" (1.70 m)
Reasoning: Sigh, the accent. Plus I fell in love with him on Shameless, and then again every time I saw him in a movie. He's an amazing actor and is amazingly adorable. Yes.






#4: Hayden Christenson
Born: April 19, 1981
Height: 6' 1½" (1.87 m)
Reasoning: He has Jedi powers AND can jump from place to place by simply looking at a photo. Fine, I know they are just movies. But he has nice lips too. And I do so like kissing.





#5: Matt Czuchry
Born: May 20, 1977
Height: 5' 9½" (1.77 m)
Reasoning: This was a tough one. He almost got thrown off the list based on the part he was playing in "I hope they serve beer in hell" (I don't want a one night stand with someone who could potentially be a walking std) but you can't judge someone because of one role. And I like his nice hair. I'm sure he's a very nice guy as well. In bed.

Squash, the Helpful Veggie: A Two Page Report by Amber Blais Wilson

I told Joe that he shouldn't just encourage my rambling because one day he'd come back to a 10 page paper on the merits of squash. He said I should do it because it'd be more painful for me than for him. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Fine, so it ended up being closer to 2 pages. But let's not focus on the quantity and more on the QUALITY. And let's be honest here, basically anything I write will be QUALITY. So, let's begin:

Well squash is a veggie, a sport, AND a drink. Plus, I plan to examine the result of the veggie Squash growing arms and legs like Mr. Potato Head, becoming a pirate roaming the seas in search of treasure.

Squash, the drink, is made from concentrate of squash the plant and not of squash the pirate or the game. It contains coloring that causes hyperactivity in kids. Or it could be the caffeine. But Wikipedia has never lied to me before so I'll take everything it says at face value. The squash is considered delicious by some, tasting close to the pumpkin, but not by me. So I shall never partake in the eating of said veg. Making a drink from Squash the pirate could result in death or worse. The worse being something akin to eating my mom's meatloaf. You don't want to go there.

Squash, the plant, is from Mexico and Central America. There are four different species, all of which are all members of different drug cartels and have been arrested numerous times for shipping weapons over the border. You can eat all parts of a squash, including the leaves, stem, seeds, and gourd. But you have to beware of the ones with mustaches. They're poisonous. (A mustachioed squash killed Abraham Lincoln's mother and relations between Mexico and America have never been the same since.) Squash plants reproduce by creating flowers that are both male and female and rely on bees to pollinate. Doesn't sound as fun as normal fun sex but still. It's cool.

Squash, the sport, is played with rackets in a four walled court with little rubber blue balls. After you're done playing with them the balls aren't as blue anymore. ;) They believe squash was a game stolen from the poor children of France who, in the 1500s, used to bounce balls off walls in alleys. Scoring is as confusing as it is in tennis so we won't even examine that. Let's just say it's fun to hit balls at walls and call this game a success.

Captain Pirateman Squash came into being when there was a tragic accident when three trucks simultaneously ran their respective three way stop signs.

Truck 1: Carrying imported veggies from Old Mexico.

Truck 2: Hazardous waste

12:37 PM Truck 3: Full of the new pirate Mr potato head dolls

(I feel the pictures help. )
The resulting disaster changed the lives of the residents of the Caribbean FOREVER. More to come? Maybe.

Scientific Proof that Taking Responsibilty for Our Actions is Pointless

A new "scientific" study has come out stating that free will is a myth akin to religion, or belief in magic. Basically, we're just a 'bag of chemicals' that obey chemical and physical laws. Thus our actions are determined by our biology.

That's right, why take responsibility for your actions? For centuries, people have tried to attribute their actions to a higher (God) or Lower (demons) power. But, there is now, no need to go with the mystical explanations! For it has been proven with science!

Having trouble swallowing this load of crap? Well, they explain that in the article as well:

"To summarize, Cashmore’s argument is that free will is an illusion derived from consciousness, but consciousness has an evolutionary advantage of conferring the illusion of responsibility. Cashmore says that, as researchers deepen their understanding of the molecular basis of human behavior, it will become increasingly difficult to entertain the fallacy of free will."

So go! Be free! Do what you wish! Your actions are not your own, so anything you do is not YOUR fault!! Just like it won't be my fault when I create my snowman army, which will then assist in taking over the world. And don't think I'll be taking responsibility for the fact that all the lame people have to go work in the mines, possibly resulting in their deaths. Hey, it's in my genes. Just saying.

SleepyTime

I always knew that we should be taking siestas in the middle of the day, and now I have proof to present to my boss. A new study from the University of California, Berkley has proven that just an hour's nap in the middle of the day can boost your brain power and increase your ability to learn.

That's right! NAPS MAKE YOU SMARTER! The researchers found that the longer you stay awake, the harder it is for you to retain new information. Taking just an hour nap can help your brain to file away the info that you've learned, thus helping you retain it AND making room for you to learn more! They tried to dumb it down by comparing your brain to a full e-mail box. Sleeping was like clearing it out.. or something.

Either way, I feel like this is a huge breakthrough. Don't think I'm not e-mailing the link to my boss right now. I was also thinking of starting a facebook group to get a government mandated nap hour! If it can get as many fans as the pickle vs nickelback group, I think we may have a serious chance of getting this thing pushed through to congress. And I'm not saying this just because we have the world's best couch for napping in the office, but because this could help our country as a whole! I'm doing this for you, really.

Well.. time for my nap.

Telekinesis Here I Come!

For centuries people have been trying to control items not attached to them (aka limbs) with their minds. I mean, after reading Matilda, who hasn't stared intently at an object trying to get it to move an inch just to prove that their brain was all powerful? ... ok that might just be me then ...

ANYWAY, in looking into the whole telekinesis (also known as psychokinesis, TK, or PK) thing I learned that in the 1980s "PK Parties" were a cultural fad!

"groups of people were guided through rituals and chants to awaken metal-bending powers. They were encouraged to shout at the items of cutlery they had brought and to jump and scream to create an atmosphere of pandemonium (or what scientific investigators called heightened suggestibility). Critics were excluded and participants were told to avoid looking at their hands. Thousands of people attended these emotionally charged parties, and many became convinced that they had bent silverware by paranormal means." (Wikipedia only the most reliable source EVER)

Well, now technology may be able to help those wackos (this wacko included) achieve their dreams, as scientists are doing research into making computers controllable by thoughts alone! In a recent article published by PhysOrg.com, I learned that scientists are working to get the thoughts of moving a cursor on a screen to actually cause that cursor to move! Furthermore, they found that the more people worked to do it, the more that area of the brain worked out and the stronger the signals it was sending got! Does this mean that we have the potential to actually be able to move stuff with our brains?

Supposedly TK (as all the cool kids are calling it) has been observed, and the military has been looking into it for years so who knows, it may be a valid thing. In fact! THOUGHT:

Is the fact that we are not getting immediate results and thus become discouraged and give up when trying to move physical objects all that is holding us back? If we keep trying, will the signals from our brains eventually become strong enough to slam doors in the faces of people we don't like?! Not that I've considered doing that to anyone...

Anyway, chew on that for a while. And that's right, Scotty. I'm writing again. WHERE IS YOUR POST!?